Dear Ruka
by blessifier
Summary: Natsume was trying to cope. And she was trying to heal him.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Ruka,

It's me, Natsume. I hope you can read this. Somehow. Don't ask me with that usual stupid face how or what. I'll just assume you can.

I was with my mom yesterday. You remember her, right? Intimidating, loud, intrusive...you were pretty scared when you first met her. Anyways, I was with her yesterday. I didn't know why, but she suddenly took the day off and bought me some fast food. It was weird because she always makes me eat healthy shit. But I ate the food without question and ate it as she kept staring at me with those annoying pitiful eyes.

I was wondering why the hell she was like that. I finally finished everything and asked her.

At first, she started beating around the bush and went around in circles. It was extremely annoying. I had to sit there for a good five minutes listening to her rambles. The French fries were cold and the soda was getting stale. I finally snapped to demand what was going on. And she told me.

Everything that went down.

I didn't get it.

I couldn't help but be mad.

Everyone's treating me nicely. Even Aoi stopped bothering me so much. All she did yesterday was sit in the living room in silence, so I didn't get much of a headache as usual. I just ate chips. I even ate it in my bedroom while playing games. I brought food in every once in awhile: lunch, snack, dinner, snack, midnight snack... I kept waiting for someone to tell me off, but no one did. My parents didn't say one word. Aoi didn't tattletale on me - that was the most surprising thing. It was annoying because it felt like...

I still went to class today. You know the bothersome duo Hayate and Reo - don't even get me started on Reo. We hated both of their guts, didn't we? I shouldn't say too many bad things about them because we became friends after you stuck up for me in front of Reo. We both got beat up pretty bad, but that was okay. We went to your house after that and we played and laughed and became friends to - I'm getting off topic. Anyways, I saw them first thing in the morning, and I readied myself.

They didn't taunt or shove me into the lockers. It was so goddamn frustrating that they didn't even look at me. Some part of me snapped as I yanked Reo by the color and smashed his face in with both of my fists. Left. Right. Left. Right. There was some kind of adrenaline rush pulsating in me. It must've been since I had the strength to even kick away Hayate. I punched Reo until he was all black and blue and bloody and disgusting. It felt good. I should've done this a long time ago.

I definitely did get in trouble as the teachers had to pull me away, and that relieved me. Reo was unconscious by the time they arrived, and I was immediately sent to the principal's office. I got a lot of stares in the hallway. A majority of them were pity. A small portion was anger. I wish more of them were angry and disgusted by my actions.

I followed the teachers and sat myself in the chair, expecting an earful. What I didn't realize was that two other students sat next to me in front of the principal's desk. It was weird since I was the only one who was heavily breathing with my bloody fists and sweaty face. The other two were perfectly normal. It took me awhile to clear my head and realize they were Tobita and Hotaru. Your best friend, your class president, and your infamous crush. All sitting in the principal's office.

Principle Yukihira sat in front of us in silence. It was goddamn awkward. He kept twiddling his fingers and shooting concerned looks at me like I was a lunatic. I mean, I don't blame him after what happened. But he didn't ask me why I did that to Reo or why... All of us just stared back at him.

The first words that came out of his mouth was, "...I'm sure all of you have heard..."

I tuned him out after that. All I did was preoccupy myself with two birds in the birdbath outside the window. They were having fun, splashing and chirping as if nothing was wrong. I wish I was one of them. Principal's Yukihira's words entered one of my ears and flew out the other. It was the same conversation I had yesterday with my mother, only there wasn't any fast food. He kept talking and talking as we sat in silence. Tobita was polite. Hotaru had no expression on her face. I watched the principal gesture with his hands as his worried expression constantly flickered back to me.

I realized that they were scared of us...mainly me.

"...If you guys need someone to talk to, just know that we are here. Me. The counselors. The teachers. Your parents are also worried for all of you," he continued and sighed into his hands. "I know you three must be going through a lot. Just...please...don't take the alternative route..."

I wonder if this was what you felt everytime you went to the therapist after school. You would've thought what do they know? Adults know nothing. You would've felt that there was no way for them to help you. You would've been lonely. I started feeling these as he continued rambling on and on. I wished he would just shut up and leave me alone and pretend that nothing happened.

"Ruka was a good straight A student...he was very kind and patient..." the principal said.

You were a nosy asshole at some times. I had to help you study since you were such a klutz. By no means were you patient. You would easily get frustrated with everything and not talk for several hours afterward. That's how a lot of our fights went. You were only putting up a kind image to the other students. I wanted to shake the principal so bad and tell him he was dead wrong. He was wrong. Only I knew you.

"We have learned that Ruka had frequently visited a therapist for certain...issues. His parents were planning to split, and his pet had passed away. We also know the conflict between him and Reo and Hayate." The principal paused a bit as he hesitantly continued, "The...day before yesterday...eleven-thirty at night...Ruka...had committed suicide."

He was wrong.

"We felt that he was unable to trust or confide in anyone else. Therefore -"

All I remember at that time was jumping out of my chair and launching a well-planted fist into the principal's face. He was wrong. Everyone was wrong. I don't know why the hell you would do such a thing. You were probably in some fucking zoo right now enjoying life. You probably ditched school since you loved animals so fucking much.

Tobita, like the perfect student he always was, tried stopping me as Hotaru sat in silence. I really don't like that girl. I don't know why you have such a big crush on her. She's cold. Calculating. Sly. Evil. A blackmailer. She always made your life tougher and even rejected several of your gifts. She made you depressed. She hurt you. She was a bitch.

I remembered shouting a lot of things at her as Tobita pulled me away from the principal. I don't recall the exact words, but I know you would've been extremely mad at me. It must've been hurtful. Because she looked at me with wide eyes and started tearing up before running out the office. The door slammed behind her as the three of us stood without a word spoken.

I made Hotaru Imai cry.

It didn't feel good.

I was pretty much sent home today to "calm" myself down despite all the ruckus I've caused. I should've been expelled according to the rules. But I wasn't. My parents let me be as my sister quietly went out with her friends. I just sat in my room again, munching on food and playing more games. I know you didn't really like games, so we always had to go to the zoo if you were bored or sad. It was burdensome, but you always paid for our tickets.

I don't think you're gone. We had met that day. And you were perfectly fine. There wasn't even a hint of depression emanating from you.

We got ice cream.

We made fun of Reo and Hayate.

We got more ice cream.

We even went to the zoo.

I don't get it.

I don't get anything.

\- Natsume


	2. Chapter 2

November 13, 20xx

Dear Ruka,

I'm going to start writing the date from now on, just in case you needed to read them in chronological order. Anyways, updates.

They planned out your funeral. Service, casket, everything in one mere week. I heard from my mom that the casket was glossy and black - it's like your opposite, kind of, I always imagined you were going for the regal-themed color.

I didn't go. I just stayed at home and played games and ate in my room like usual. My dad's starting to get annoyed, but he's still not doing anything. Mum and sis tried dragging me to it, but I knew better. They gave up. Basically, everyone went except me.

What else is there?

Oh, your Facebook is spammed. I bet if you logged on right now, there would be hundreds of notifications. I'm looking at it. There are some people who have never talked to you before, but they're wishing you random shit. "Rest in peace." "Another angel is born in heaven." "You were so kind and smart." "I can't believe you're gone." Oh, and the classic "I wish I got to know you better."

Aren't you popular? You're getting more attention than ever. There's even an article on you from the local county register.

 _Local Teen from Alice Academy Shoots Himself_

Despite the redundancies, it's not badly written. And you're even on the second page, you attention-whore. I'll get you to do an interview some time in the future.

.

I feel like more happened this week, but I don't really recall.

Oh wait.

There's been a couple.

The first thing that happened was our midterm. Math midterm. It was pretty easy to breeze through, and I did well like usual. But Jinno pulled me aside after class and gave me a giant long-ass lecture.

It wasn't really a lecture. It was more..like...condolences. He said that he was glad I was feeling better. And how I should always face forwards. He told me how brave I was and how much he admired my level of maturity. He even gave me a pat on the back.

I don't get it.

I always get full scores.

I don't get why this time is any different. Shouldn't he be more surprised if my grade drops? Adults are confusing.

.

Oh, the second thing, you ask?

We got some transfer kid in our class. It's some ugly, pipsqueak girl. She has giant glasses, braces, bangs, and braided pigtails. Her appearance is deceptive. You would think she's smart, but she can't even answer what the derivative of ln(x) is.

I don't like her. She took your seat right by the window. There was another seat in the front, but she insisted on taking over yours. She's so thick-skinned. I wonder if she felt the other students' glares.

I hate how Jinno agreed to it. He even looked at me while he gave her permission as if he was taunting me.

You're probably wondering if your spot is now occupied by her.

It's not.

I pushed her out of the seat. I basically told her to choose another seat or get out, and she started crying like a little bitch. I really don't like her.

Jinno made me stand in the hallway. I remember him shaking his head and saying, "I thought you were mature. What happened?"

How does that inconsiderate nerd and my academic performance fall into the same category? I think something's loose in his brain. He's getting old.

But that's pretty much it. I saved your seat like the good friend I am. The nerd chick eventually accepted the other seat, but she now glares at me everytime she turns around. Like I did anything wrong.

I think that's enough for today. I'll write more maybe tomorrow. Or next week. I'm not sure. Probably if something happens.

Talk to you later,

Natsume


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Ruka,

It's just another average day.

Remember that outside hut by the music room? The one near the amphitheater? Some students set up a memorial for you. I don't know who, but they must feel pretty good about themselves.

They put two white collapsible tables by the usual benches, draped paper over them, put out sharpies, and placed an enormous blown-up portrait of you in the center. I recognize that photo. It was when we went on that field trip during our first year. You saw a duck statue and wanted a picture next to it.

But they don't know that. They only chose that photo because it was your Facebook profile picture.

Some people saw me staring at your memorial setup as they scribbled shit on the papercloth. I remember one girl who finished writing and smiled at me and said, "You should still write something, even if you don't know him."

It took a lot to refrain from doing anything to her.

.

Oh.

Remember the ugly transfer student I told you about? She's just not rude. And inconsiderate. She's also annoying. She keeps pestering me about this and that with demands of an apology. I have to lock myself on the rooftop to keep her jabbering mouth from reaching my ears. I hate her for disrupting my peace.

And today, she went too far.

She sat in your seat without asking for permission. I told her to get out, but she wouldn't budge one inch. I just remember her demanding for a stupid apology. I told her multiple times to move her ass. Why does she have to take yours?

I finally yanked her out of the seat and flung her aside. But Jinno came in at the exact moment and dragged me out into the hallways.

Berating.

Shouting.

Whacking.

Repeating disappointments.

I went to the principal's office. My mom had to come for the first time in her life.

I wonder if she was shocked.

She looked hurt and crestfallen as she entered the room. She sat down, talked to the principal, shook her head, and finally led me out of the room with a sigh.

Dad also came. He took one look before slapping me.

More berating. Shouting. Whacking. Repeating disappointments. It is a never-ending cycle.

I hate that transfer girl.

I'm so tired.

I want to sleep longer.

.

.

.

Was that what went through your mind? Wanting to sleep longer? Hating everyone? Being tired of everything?

.

I never felt so alone.

Were you this lonely? Even though I was there for you?

.

.

Was I that terrible of a friend?

\- Natsume


End file.
